Betrayed by your body

To those affected by chronic illness this will sound familiar. To those who don't this concept may be foreign and taken for granted. I fear my own body. I don't trust it will accurately tell me my limits, nor that it will take good care of me. My body has betrayed me as if a lover betrays their love.

Over the years of having a chronic illness I have watched the difference build between me and others with "good" health. There is a lot I took for granted when I had good health. My question to myself is how do I not take for granted the health I do have as of today?

It is like a light bulb has been switched on for me that had never been on before. One day, I was in fear of my body, exercise, spending energy because it always backfired and put me in a relapse of symptoms that lasted for days if not weeks. The cost of trying physical activities were too high. But in that light bulb moment, I realized what was really holding me back from trying anything physical. Fear of betrayal. That my body would betray me. It was easier not to start, than to maybe find out that I couldn't do _________________ (fill in the blank). Realizing that my challenge was more emotional than physical has brought me to a new place, a place where I am willing to risk again. A place where I am willing to let myself go slow and ease back into a relationship with my body. A slow and steady climb back up the hill to healing emotionally and adding better health to my body as well.

It was like I was angry at my body. It failed me. I never blamed God. I never felt punished for sin. But I hated my body. I never was a big fan of it in the first place, but when it got sick and limited me, not only did it crush me physically, it hit emotionally. It crushed my spirit.

God is the lifter of my head. He is my healer. I have not been healed of my chronic illness, but God is healing me. He is healing the betrayal that set in years ago.

So the light bulb went on...and I went to the gym. My body is tolerating well what I lovingly call my "micro-mini" work outs and I am gaining trust in it again. It feels good. My body is the dwelling for the Holy Spirit. Hating it isn't going to bring me closer to God. I must accept it and be thankful for what I have. I am there today. I am thankful I can get on a bike for a few minutes. I can do activities with my family. I am able to get out and do things most days. I am not taking that for granted anymore.


1 Corinthians 6: 19-20
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

No Lord, I didn't get it, but I am getting it. Please forgive me for hating the body you gave me for so long. Even in sickness I am grateful for this body for it does many things for me. I now give it back to you. Work in and through me to accomplish your good will. I am so excited that my little (in the eyes of the world) workouts honor you and give you pleasure. That makes me smile. Thank you as always for meeting me right where I am and showing me where to go. In Jesus Name, Amen