Role vs. Identity

I had a thought the other day...well, I have many thoughts, but this one I will share with you because it was one given to me by God...that makes it special and set apart from all of my other meandering thoughts.


God revealed to me that I have had things backwards my whole life so far...at least in understanding my identity and how that forms. I have up to this point been working hard to form an identity based on the roles I have in life. Roles like: mother, daughter, wife, counselor, teacher, VW bug driver, being creative, student, church go-er, Christ believer, etc...

What roles are coming to your mind? Roles in the home? Roles in the work place? Roles in your community, church, neighborhood, school? We all want to belong so badly that sometimes we use our roles to create an identity, one we hope others will accept.

But it goes the other way round...we are ALL born with an identity. A God-given identity. If you are a church go-er you hear about "your identity in Christ" being the most important identity you have. But what does that really mean? It is so vague to me. Is it vague to you? Maybe not. I might have just missed the boat that you caught way before me. But if you are confused like me, hang on. We are in for a great ride.

I have worked so hard to create roles, ones that would be seen as important in the eyes of others I love and respect, even in God's eyes. I thought I had to become something to be acceptable in His eyes...He did form me for a purpose and gosh darn it, I was going to complete that purpose!

But what He revealed to me the other day in prayer is that I am born with and identity, one God himself created for just for me. I don't have to work to create one, I get to uncover what I have buried in my haste to make my own.

I LOVE gifts. I wish I could have a birthday at least 4 times a year. I just love opening a present someone has given to me. I feel loved in a special way when I am given a gift. God has given me a precious gift at this time in my life. When chronic illness hit, my roles as I knew them and "built" them were stripped away. This led to intense insecurity. But now I get it. God saw me working so hard and wanted me to stop. I was doing things backward and getting nowhere.

If we seek our identity in Him, our Father, Abba, creator and savior our roles will naturally come as a result. No hard work, no digging ruts, no trying to be accepted, because we just ARE.

What peace can come when I settle into the Lord. If you are going through an identity crisis, maybe you have it backwards like me. Stop creating roles and start finding your God given identity. It is funny. I have no idea who is reading my blog, but I feel a love for you and a desire to be vulnerable so that you may do so too.

Join me on this new ride...one in which our identity comes first...our roles in this world will naturally follow.

A New Promise, A New Calling

I began this Journey with Jeremiah to understand the context of the promise written in Jeremiah 29:11-13. I have read Jeremiah now cover to cover and know way more about God's goodness, even in our times of exile and rebellion. God gives us chances. The book is full of them. Time after time, I found myself writing in the margin "another chance." How many of us need "another chance" written in our book? I need another chance everyday. But that is promised to me too...God's mercies are new to me each morning! That comes from Lamentations 3:22-23, a book believed to be written by Jeremiah as he grieved the destruction of Jerusalem (the story of the book of Jeremiah). God is so good, see how this all ties together?


I think I just tried to start another thought, so let me get back to the one I was going to write about orignally. It is the start of Jeremiah 29. It gave me great insight into what I am to do in this time of "exile" into the land of chronic illness. My natural tendency is to fight it and slash my way out of this dense dark woods. But that is not what God says. I think I am in a sort of "exileish" place. God told me he did not create my illness, but that He will use it for his glory. But in my psyche, it has been a place of exile. That is not all bad.

Now, if you were taken into exile by an enemy country, who did not share your faith, beliefs, practices would your first thought be "settle into that place and find peace there." If that is your first inclination you are way ahead of me. My first inclination is and would have been, "don't get comfortable here, because this is enemy territory. I can't possibly prosper here." And as I read the first few verses of Jeremiah 29 I couldn't believe my eyes. God told Jerusalem to settle into their exiled place. To make homes there and settle down (v. 5). He wanted them to increase in number and seek peace and prosperity, not only for themselves but for the people who were their captors (v.7). Huh? Did I just hear that right Lord? Settle down HERE? Here in the land of chronic illness, my enemy, my captor?

Yup...I heard correctly. Settle down. Stop fighting. Seek peace and prosperity in this place where God has brought me to. A place I once (and sometimes still) saw as my enemy. So what does this mean from a practical stand point? I will give you some practical examples in my life, see what you find in yours.

1. Because of my chronic illness, I have been brought home. A place I never spent too much time before because I was so busy. I clearly heard God tell me to settle into home. If you know me, you know this has not been my nature since the beginning of (my) time. So God is shaping a new nature in me. That is pretty cool. Not easy. But anytime I know God is actively working in my life I get excited!

2. "Pray and seek peace and prosperity in the place to which I have carried you," (v. 7). Well, who doesn't want peace and prosperity in their home? Since I wrote to you last, I have decided to home-school my son. Something I said I would never do because I didn't have the patience to be home that much. But guess what God has and is giving me? Patience and peace...I seek it every day as this verse commands and God in his grace grants it to me. My son who was in anguish from years of bullying is prospering. God makes good on his word!

3. I can stop fighting because I finally realize I am right were I am supposed to be. Chronic illness (a product of the original fall - see Genesis) brought me here. It was not God's original intention for us to get sick, or our bodies to fail us, but it happens and if we tether ourselves to God, He will free us from that captivity eventually (v.14). That freedom from captivity may mean physical healing, spiritual healing, psychological healing, growth in Him...etc. We don't get to dictate that, but we get to participate in it and be the recipients of the goodness he promises in vs. 11-13. I can see that now. I haven't been cursed with chronic illness (although some days it feels like that), I am blessed with a chance to participate in the good works my Father wants to do in and through me.

I made it through Jeremiah and Lamentations. You'd think it would have been a depressing read, but I saw the heart of God in all of it and in that I saw hope, peace and blessing.

Pray for me. Pray for this blog. Pray for those who are lost and need words of hope. If you know of any, pass on my words. I don't write just to see my own words on a screen, I write to pass on the goodness of my Lord Jesus Christ! May God bless you today.

My Other Name is Peter

My other name is Peter (or Peter-ella so it sounds more girly) you say with great question?! Yes, sounds weird, but let me explain...I identify with Peter (one of the disciples of Jesus), at least during his most ADD moments. He gets so enthusiastic, spouts his mouth, gets all excited about something his Lord is doing, but doesn't pause to think. I am grateful for this blog and you who are reading it. It gives me, Peter/ Kimberli the pause I need to think.


I have been thinking about and pondering quite a few things in my life lately. But, I will stick to my journey of chronic illness so as to not get too lost on a rabbit trail.

In the Gospel of Luke chapter 9 verse 28, Luke begins the story of "The Transfiguration." In a nut shell, Jesus took Peter, John, and James onto a mountain to pray. While they were up there, Jesus became bright like lightening and Moses and Elijah (long gone dead) appeared. Wow! They thought it was just another day praying with their Lord, but they were gifted with the greatest light show the world had ever seen, to put it lightly. It was an amazing day. A day where God revealed his splendor in a tangible way. It was a sacred place, not forgotten even to this day.

How many of us love and crave those kind of days? The days where everything goes right. The days where we feel good and get things accomplished. The days where we feel the hand of God on our life in a way that is unmistakable. I crave them. I want more of them. And, when I am having a day like that I never want it to end. Peter felt the same way. He wanted to stay on that mountain, make shelters and not let the experience fade.

I have been using the terms "my former life" and "my new life" a lot. My former life is the life before chronic illness. A time I remember as good, fruitful, promising and hopeful. My new life is the one I am living with chronic illness. A time that is terribly frustrating, confusing and seems like a dead end. As I read the story of the transfiguration with new eyes, I realized I had set up tents in my "old life." I didn't want to leave my perceived mountain top experience. Yes, things were good, but you can't stay on the mountain forever. Was is Newton who said what comes up, must come down? I have to come down off that mountain because it is now just an illusion, a memory. It is not reality and it will never be. I can remember it with fondness, but to continue my journey with Jesus, I need to follow him off that mountain. He left there 2 and a half years ago. It is time I see what He wants to do with me now...I have assumed it is just pain and torture. But when I pause, that is not the Jesus I know. This led me to remember Jeremiah 29:11-13. It is a promise God gave me about 5 years ago. It is also what led me to read the whole book of Jeremiah this summer.

To keep this article short, I will write more about my Jeremiah discovery in the next few days...it is amazing! I just leave you with this...I am glad I am not up on that mountain anymore waiting for my old life to reappear. I am living down here and God has good plans for me!

Stand at the Crossroads and Look

Jeremiah 6:16 This is what the Lord says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."


I sat down with the Lord this morning to have some intentional time with Him. To be honest, I'm not always consistent with the practice. I get busy, do things and I have had a lot of appointments. I have been exhausted. Too tired for God. Too tired for God?

Is that why my soul is not at rest? I still battle many things in my heart. My desire to have my original health restored. My desire to have my son accepted and loved just the way he is. My desire for things. My desire to have my old career back. My desire to have the energy to put into my children what I think they deserve and need...and last but not least, the ability to be what my husband deserves in a wife. I want to have energy. I want, want, want. I know enough by now that when I get to the place where my wants are greater than my feelings of rest and satisfaction I am in a desolate place. I am like Judah. I have let my mind turn to my "gods" that will bring me what I want. I know they will not satisfy, yet I turn to them anyway. So today, I turned again to the Lord.

Reading Jeremiah for comfort isn't working so well. It isn't warm and fuzzy. But it is revealing things about my weaknesses that I need to know. Luckily, I did find a place of refuge in my reading this morning, but it was a place of challenge and another chance.

Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths. Our pastor once asked us to answer two questions of ourselves. 1. Who is Jesus to me? 2. Discover what Jesus did for me. After being a Christian most of my living days, you'd think this would be easy to answer. I could give you the easy Sunday school answers, but that is not the ancient path God called me to today.

1. Who is Jesus to me? He is hope. This world and what it offers on it's own is hopeless. I can want, want, want, but the wants will never end. Jesus, is the Hope and the end of my wants. He is what I want. I so easily get seduced by the wants that I forget Jesus is what I really want. I want quick fixes, and end to fatigue, doctors that have answers and I am not getting what I want. Jesus is the alpha and omega of my wants. He is the cure to my wants. He is the healer, the hope and the harvest.

2. What did Jesus do for me? He suffered so he knows suffering. He had a short career that God gave him and then changed. He walked through fatigue, temptation, people letting him down and he kept walking. He endured the most horrible pain on the cross, so that my wants wouldn't keep me from my Father. The Bible talks about embracing our sufferings. I am working on that. I am not good at it yet.

Today, I stand at the crossroads and ask God for the ancient paths. I ask for Jesus. I ask for forgiveness. I ask for hope. Then, I rest.

Bad Days Happen

Bad days happen. Are you dealing with chronic illness, stress that won't quit, loss of income...chronic anything? I am too. Some of the ways I try to deal with my chronic illness is to live in today, be grateful for what I have, and seek the positive stuff in my life. But today...just had to be a sad one.


Maybe you can relate. I chose that I would quit saying "my old life" and "my new life" because it kept be in this constant state of greif...remembering what I had and all I have lost. But that isn't the whole truth. I have a lot now that I didn't have before. I have a less stressful schedule, I have more time for my family, I have amazing friends and family who have seen me through and shown me love in touching ways. I know God better and I've let Him in closer. That is priceless.

Although I try to focus on the positive, the past hit me hard today. I saw my old work website which I had let expire. Someone else has snatched it up. I am erased. I had an email conversation with a friend; a friendship that has now died. Life had to be all about her and when you have a chronic illness, you can no longer feed those kind of egos. It is just too tiring and the weight too heavy. I see my old colleagues on Facebook and clients out in the real world. I miss my work so much is aches. Today I feel useless even though I know I am not. I want to get out and work again and from my current vantage point, it feels I never will.

I started this blog to encourage people with chronic illness or other chronic issues. I debated about this "downer" of an entry, but you know what? It is a part of life with chronic illness. Bad days happen. Grief comes in waves. Sadness and letting go are a part of the process. Today was my day.


As I prepare to go to bed, my last thought for both you and me will be that God's mercies are new every morning and in just a few hours, it will be morning again.

Cracks in My Plans

There are so many cracks in my plans, yet I keep insisting on asking God if I can have them back. God presents clear problems with my thinking in Jeremiah 2:13. It reads..."My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."


To hold on to my old plans is a sin (I guess two!), even if I was following God's plans for my life at that time. The problem is, that was then, this now. I have had trouble understanding that what once was Godly, flowing springs of living water wasn't meant to be forever in that shape and form. God had changes and new plans in mind for now. When I hold on to the old plans (however good they may have been) I am digging my own cisterns that cannot hold water. No wonder I am tired. I am also sinning.

Oh, that makes a difference to me. That is the reality check I needed to hear. I am not only wasting my time and energy, I am sinning. God has new plans for me that come from Him...the spring of living water! Today, Lord, I repent from my desire to control my life. I quit digging. You in your grace you let me dig until I ran out of energy and let me see this for myself. I see it now. I want your springs of living water. I want so much of it that it flows through me onto others. Lord, I rest beside your spring. Let it wash me and nourish my tired parched body and soul. In your son's amazing name, Amen.

It's not the way Christmas is supposed to be!

If you are like many that suffer with chronic illness, this time of year can be very difficult. There are so many demands on our emotions, bodies and souls. The cold weather causes pain, the hectic schedule of "to-dos" is taxing, and the desire to keep Jesus as the center of the season sometimes is all we have, or just what we are missing. I have had a whole mix of emotions in the last 24 hours. I have felt like the limits my body sets have let people down, including myself. There is more I want to do,  people I want to see, foods I want to prepare, parties I wish I could host. Yesterday my body crashed hard and I just had to surrender. It didn't feel like Christmas. I was lying in bed, sleeping the day away, not cooking with my kids, not giving cookies to my neighbors, not, not, not...It just was NOT the way Christmas was supposed to be.

Where have I heard that before? Oh my, if I settle down, I hear the quiet tears of Joseph and Mary in the stable. "Did we hear the angel right? How could the messiah be born in a stable? Have we let him down already? We didn't even have a secure, comfortable place for our precious son to rest his newborn head. This isn't the way it was supposed to be." As tears of joy and anticipation, maybe fear and distress flow from the parents of the new born king, so do they flow from us.

I encourage you to consider the larger picture this Christmas. Not just Christmas the way you think it is supposed to be, but the Christmas you have been given. Maybe your body is betraying you? Think of Jesus-Herod was plotting to betray the wise men and kill Jesus. Maybe you can't provide the gifts for your family you want to? Think of Jesus-a manger was good enough for the King of Kings. Maybe you aren't with family becuase you can't travel? Think of Jesus-he wasn't in the town Mary and Joseph thought he'd be born in...they were far from family too. What does your Christmas look like this year? Is it good enough for you? If not, can it be?

I am focusing on small blessings this Christmas. I had some extra energy today and got to bake cookies with my sons. I have some humble presents under our small tree. And though we will not be with family on Christmas eve, we will be on Christmas day. But most of all, I can see Jesus! He is about to be born. We get to hear the cry of the newborn King once again. And yes, for me this year....that alone is more than enough.

A Journey with Jeremiah

Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." NIV


God gave me Jeremiah 29:11-13 to hold on to in a hard season in my life about 6 years ago. I was experiencing what felt like and ending, but God promised it wasn't through this verse. It was the hope I clung to when all I could see was, "THE END." I have since clung to this verse as hope for me through many different circumstances, including my current battle with chronic illness. I have to say, believing it through this battle has thus far, been the most difficult.

As I sat down this morning to meet with God and read his word, it occurred to me that I never have read Jeremiah in it's entirety. Thus, I don't know the full context to which these verses belong. So today I decided to embark on a journey with Jeremiah to learn more about God's thoughts regarding his good plans for me...and you, if you want to join me.

I started out, logically, with chapters one and two. The book of Jeremiah is God's last ditch effort to plead with His children to come back to them before they are to be exiled to Babylon. They were disobedient and it was young Jeremiah's calling to speak the words of the Lord in hopes they would see their wicked ways and return to the God who had been faithful from the start.

Goodness, in just the 1st two chapters, I have a lot to say but I will try to narrow it down. Chapter 1 verse 5 states that God knew us before He ever formed us in our mother's womb and set us apart for His purpose. I have gone through many seasons in my life where I "knew" what I had been set apart for...set apart for youth ministry, set apart for prayer for a particular person, set apart to bring His light into different situations and corners of my family tree, set apart to bring hope and healing to children, families and others in my counseling practice, set apart to bring love and compassion to my sons and husband, set apart to bring a different voice into the classroom in which I teach, set apart for.....chronic illness? Huh? Now that doesn't fit the picture. It is that very problem I have been wrestling with for the past two years. In my human eyes, it has felt like my purpose has been set aside, put in the past, left abandoned and unexplained. What am I set apart for now? Am I still special in my Father's eyes when I am not "doing" for him. How can I be accomplishing any special purpose when I am lying in bed plagued with fatigue? The question has changed. The new question is "can I surrender to a purpose that I don't understand, don't like and would rather trade in for something that looks more fun and fantastic?"

So, God knew before I was born that at age 36 He would be asking me a new question of purpose and trust. "Kimberli, will you trust me with this new life, propose and way of setting you apart?" It doesn't make sense to me yet, but when God asks me such a kind a gentle question like "will you trust me?" I feel comforted and today I am reminded to say "yes."

There is another verse in the chapter I want to get to, but I'll save that for later. Hope you will join me for the next step in our Journey with Jeremiah together.

I threw a fit!

Yes, you saw that right....the other day, I threw a fit. Not about my kids, not in front on my husband, not about money, stress, people. I threw a fit in front of God.

Ugh. I did. And it was a good one too. Crying, snot, yelling, begging, saying "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" You see, I was in the midst of debilitating and pain. I am also back to visiting my friend named Insomnia every night. I called my neuromuscular doctor for help and my sleep doctor. One wasn't in. The other wouldn't help until I could get to their office for an appointment (did I tell you that this is much of my life now? Appointments!) in a week and a half. I melted down. I didn't want another appointment. I wanted immediate help. I felt like it couldn't wait and neither could life, or my patience or my family. So I got off the phone, went to bed and threw a big-old-fit!

I cried about my pain. I wept about my fatigue. I railed about my losses, then I got up the guts to say to God, "this isn't fair!" Then I became still to hear His response.

You know what He said? He said, "you're right." Huh? Did I just hear you right Lord? You agree with me? I thought I was being a little brat throwing a tantrum (He didn't address that part-phew). He agreed with me.

He revealed to me that my belief over the past two and a half years has been incorrect. I believed that since I was doing work He called me to, then called me out of I had a lesson to learn. Once I learned my lesson, He would restore my health and life would be somewhat back to what it was...only new and improved, because I would be too.

God didn't cause my chronic illness. I thought He did. He told me in such kind and gentle words that it wasn't fair. I have been afraid of Him because the longer I stayed sick, the more I feared I wasn't learning my lesson. I wasn't pleasing Him. But He said that wasn't the truth. The Truth about my chronic illness is that it isn't fair, He didn't cause it, and He is my friend in it. He walks beside me and even carries me when I am too weak to carry myself. It is in my weakness that I have been able to get brave enough to ask God the hard questions and not be His "good little girl" anymore.

I've gotten really honest with God and it always brings comfort instead of the scorn I so fear. I was reading Job this morning (for a little pick-me-up light reading) and you know what? When Job asked the hard questions of WHY, God never answered that question and He hasn't in my life either. God did answer, He said...Let me show you WHO I AM.

As I reflected on that, I realized one of my prayers for over two decades is that I would know God better. I never in my wildest dreams He would answer that prayer through living with chronic illness, but He is faithful and He is answering my prayer.

God is everything. God knows everything. I'll trust him with that simple yet profound truth today.

Jesus Feeds the 5000

How many times have I heard this story from the Bible? Dozens, maybe hundreds. It is an amazing story, one of many miracles that Jesus performed during his short ministry on earth, but it didn't seem to directly apply to my life. Until yesterday.

Maybe it never dawned on me because I was so self sufficient. I could do anything I set my mind on. I hiked the Grand Canyon, my hubby and I navigated the streets of New York during the black out of 2003 (never having been there before), I went to grad school while mothering and giving birth, I fought hard to improve my marriage, I spent good times with friends and family. I started my own thriving counseling practice and did not let that impede on my ability to be a "good mom." My kids were never in after school care and I was at every school event, conference, sporting event and a lot of time in between. I was the neighborhood "mom" where kids flocked to my house. We weren't rich, but we were living the American dream. We had a house on a cul-de-sac in a great small town, awesome neighbors, 2.5 children (minus the .5) and our dogs. I loved entertaining and becoming more successful in the counseling community I was a part of. I was outgoing and unstoppable. But I stopped.

There was a day in April 2007 where it became very apparent to me that my body was no longer cooperating with my goals and fast paced life. Frankly, my body was putting on the breaks, but I tried my foot on the accelerator (in my mind). I couldn't surrender. I am learning.

The feeding of the 5000 is a great story for me and others who suffer from lack. Yes, I said "lack." I don't care what you lack, for me it is energy, for you it may be something else, but that is what this story is all about. Humans who lacked and Jesus who took what they had and created abundance. As hard as I have tried, I have tried to create and hold on to many things in my lack-ing stance. I now see that it is not about me and what I can do, it is about Christ and what He can do. I give him the little energy I have (my 5 loaves and 2 fishes worth) and watch what he will do with it.

It is on days like this when I can hear God's love for me that I can rejoice in the suffering of my chronic illness. Trust me there are days I fight, throw fits, scream "this is unfair!" but today, there is hope.