I threw a fit!

Yes, you saw that right....the other day, I threw a fit. Not about my kids, not in front on my husband, not about money, stress, people. I threw a fit in front of God.

Ugh. I did. And it was a good one too. Crying, snot, yelling, begging, saying "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" You see, I was in the midst of debilitating and pain. I am also back to visiting my friend named Insomnia every night. I called my neuromuscular doctor for help and my sleep doctor. One wasn't in. The other wouldn't help until I could get to their office for an appointment (did I tell you that this is much of my life now? Appointments!) in a week and a half. I melted down. I didn't want another appointment. I wanted immediate help. I felt like it couldn't wait and neither could life, or my patience or my family. So I got off the phone, went to bed and threw a big-old-fit!

I cried about my pain. I wept about my fatigue. I railed about my losses, then I got up the guts to say to God, "this isn't fair!" Then I became still to hear His response.

You know what He said? He said, "you're right." Huh? Did I just hear you right Lord? You agree with me? I thought I was being a little brat throwing a tantrum (He didn't address that part-phew). He agreed with me.

He revealed to me that my belief over the past two and a half years has been incorrect. I believed that since I was doing work He called me to, then called me out of I had a lesson to learn. Once I learned my lesson, He would restore my health and life would be somewhat back to what it was...only new and improved, because I would be too.

God didn't cause my chronic illness. I thought He did. He told me in such kind and gentle words that it wasn't fair. I have been afraid of Him because the longer I stayed sick, the more I feared I wasn't learning my lesson. I wasn't pleasing Him. But He said that wasn't the truth. The Truth about my chronic illness is that it isn't fair, He didn't cause it, and He is my friend in it. He walks beside me and even carries me when I am too weak to carry myself. It is in my weakness that I have been able to get brave enough to ask God the hard questions and not be His "good little girl" anymore.

I've gotten really honest with God and it always brings comfort instead of the scorn I so fear. I was reading Job this morning (for a little pick-me-up light reading) and you know what? When Job asked the hard questions of WHY, God never answered that question and He hasn't in my life either. God did answer, He said...Let me show you WHO I AM.

As I reflected on that, I realized one of my prayers for over two decades is that I would know God better. I never in my wildest dreams He would answer that prayer through living with chronic illness, but He is faithful and He is answering my prayer.

God is everything. God knows everything. I'll trust him with that simple yet profound truth today.