Jesus Feeds the 5000

How many times have I heard this story from the Bible? Dozens, maybe hundreds. It is an amazing story, one of many miracles that Jesus performed during his short ministry on earth, but it didn't seem to directly apply to my life. Until yesterday.

Maybe it never dawned on me because I was so self sufficient. I could do anything I set my mind on. I hiked the Grand Canyon, my hubby and I navigated the streets of New York during the black out of 2003 (never having been there before), I went to grad school while mothering and giving birth, I fought hard to improve my marriage, I spent good times with friends and family. I started my own thriving counseling practice and did not let that impede on my ability to be a "good mom." My kids were never in after school care and I was at every school event, conference, sporting event and a lot of time in between. I was the neighborhood "mom" where kids flocked to my house. We weren't rich, but we were living the American dream. We had a house on a cul-de-sac in a great small town, awesome neighbors, 2.5 children (minus the .5) and our dogs. I loved entertaining and becoming more successful in the counseling community I was a part of. I was outgoing and unstoppable. But I stopped.

There was a day in April 2007 where it became very apparent to me that my body was no longer cooperating with my goals and fast paced life. Frankly, my body was putting on the breaks, but I tried my foot on the accelerator (in my mind). I couldn't surrender. I am learning.

The feeding of the 5000 is a great story for me and others who suffer from lack. Yes, I said "lack." I don't care what you lack, for me it is energy, for you it may be something else, but that is what this story is all about. Humans who lacked and Jesus who took what they had and created abundance. As hard as I have tried, I have tried to create and hold on to many things in my lack-ing stance. I now see that it is not about me and what I can do, it is about Christ and what He can do. I give him the little energy I have (my 5 loaves and 2 fishes worth) and watch what he will do with it.

It is on days like this when I can hear God's love for me that I can rejoice in the suffering of my chronic illness. Trust me there are days I fight, throw fits, scream "this is unfair!" but today, there is hope.